My exact feelings right now can be communicated through the above picture. I just feel like putting my head to my desk and staying like that for the rest of the week. Or month.

This is the first time I've broken my "30-minute" rule that I've been following for the past three (has it only been three?) days. Literally all I've been doing it studying. I live, eat and breathe history. Fuck, I even started to dream about history last night. But I digress. I broke the rule because I really wanted to blog about my sad existence.

"The trials will be over by next week" has been my mantra over the past few days. It's what kept me going. After all, I can half kill myself trying to cram for the exams (5 essays and a few short answers within 4 and a half hours, over a two day period) and then just let it all go afterwards. I get a break between the trials and HSC after all. But today, my piano teacher just reminded me that my Musicianship 4th Grade exam is coming up next month and I have less than 3 weeks to prepare for it. And all those days of not revising my cadences and composers have finally caught up with me and now I need to spend my days re-reading stuff about fucking Bach, Handel, chord progressions and Baroque Suites. Hence the *headdesk* up the top.

It feels so self-defeating. Why do I do all this studying? Of course I want the marks but it's so PAINFUL to put myself through this everytime I get a Year 12 exam. Because I'm in year 11, I tend to feel like I have to overcompensate and make up for the disadvantage of doing the test one year early. Also, I'm starting to ask myself, what happens next? Danny mentioned something along these lines in his blog. About asking yourself what happens next and feeling purposeless. I feel the same right now. What happens after these trials? I have to start preparing for the Musicianship exam. What happens after the Musicianship exams? I start preparing for Year 11 Preliminary Exams. What happens after the Preliminary Exams? I start preparing for the HSC. Right now, the future looks so bleak and depressing :(

On a lighter note, although I feel like burning all my history textbooks and stuff, I also feel motivated to do some exercise. :O SHOCK! GASP! Oh yes, I did just say that. I WANT to do exercise. I don't know what brought this on though. Maybe after finding out Lee Min Ho's weight (which is extremely extremely light), I realised that I didn't want to become heavier than him. Cause that would be so weird. Or maybe Othilia has subconsciously influenced me to do more exercise through her health/fitness posts. Possibly a combination of the two.